From the Ashes...

Where do I even begin?  This past several years has been nothing short of epic!  Although I’ve had every reason to be miserable and depressed, pining away the days crying in a bed somewhere… instead I’ve been happier than I ever thought possible.  Some fundamental life choices have made all the difference in that outcome.  And so have you.

Once upon a time I was a self-employed IT Consultant in sunny (but super shady) South Beach.  Back then, I thought I was ‘happy’.  Yes, I was definitely “comfortable”, but that life was very different from what I know now as true happiness.  The destruction of that old life began shortly after I rediscovered running.  On April 15th, 2013 the very foundations of my life shook as I felt the shockwave from the first explosion in Boston.  It took over a year and overcoming some serious PTSD to get past the demons that experience unleashed inside.  But that moment set two of the cornerstones of my future life.  Running became the single most important thing in my life, and the goodness that I witnessed in humanity in the aftermath… that became another central tenet of my future.

But it wasn’t enough.  The illusion of happiness had been shattered.  I was dead inside.  And I’d lost the love of running.

I needed something more, but I didn’t know what it was.  I stumbled upon it by chance.  I decided that if I couldn’t rediscover the love of running by exploring someplace ‘exotic’ *on foot*, all hope was lost.  I cashed in some miles, jetted across the Atlantic, and took a gamble.  I landed in Romania, took the train to the seashore, and laced up my running shoes.  I promptly fell in love with running again, with life in general.  On that trip I discovered the final cornerstone of my new life: nature.  I ran along the seashore, through (haunted) forests, up mountains and through one of the most diverse biospheres in the world.  Along the way I met some incredible people (and some pretty cool runners).  I returned a new person.

But I returned to the same life I left.  Like pretty much everything in Miami, that existence was fake.  I wasn’t living my best life.  I wasn’t being true to my inner self.  But it was who I was, right?  I had an old life, and I had new incompatible cornerstones.  I trudged along trying to reconcile them.  And I was happy.  With these new cornerstones in place I’d discovered that happiness is *always* a choice.  I’d become psychologically invincible.  Somehow I’d make it work - meshing my new priorities with my old life.

Life has a peculiar (and sometimes cruel) way of working out when you let it.   It did the dirty work for me.  Almost four years ago, as I was cycling home from work, that old life got crushed.  I got mowed down by a (likely) distracted motorist as I cycled home from work.  She sped off, and local authorities made sure it got brushed under the rug.  That old life came crashing down.  The worst of my injuries: a traumatic brain injury that plagues me to this day.  My cracked bicycle helmet likely had a good bit to do with it not being worse.  The spinal issues complicated things further, and a whole slew of other complications have made my health a mess ever since.

But I was alive.  And I *still* chose to be happy.  Somehow, this would be better in the long run.

My old life continued to burn to the ground.  I lost the business I’d spent over a decade building.  I lost the condo I once thought I’d call home for many years to come.  Many of those I thought were on my side, turned their backs on me… at best.  I was in financial free fall.  Food, shelter and all those little comforts I’d grown accustomed to - they were luxuries now.

But I’d put my faith in those three cornerstones.  I ran as much as my brain could handle.  The TBI had messed up my motor skills and balance.  Left foot, right foot, face-plant is still forward progress.  I trudged along.  I’d get excited when I’d see that new studies were showing that endurance activities (like running) created new neural pathways.  My old ones had been nuked.  That was exactly what I needed.  Running was life.

That I didn’t always have traditional shelter turned out to be a blessing.  Pitching my tent, or stringing up my hammock out in the beauty of the natural world led to some of the most peaceful, relaxing, beautiful and healing nights of my life.  Running, hiking, rucking, hitchhiking to and through so many beautiful natural splendors… that was my medicine.

And the people:  my new life has been 100% dependent on the goodness of random strangers.  I could never have done any of this alone!  And by immersing myself fully into the running community?  I was rewarded with the best of these people on my side.  This running community… all of you wonderful Half Fanatics and Marathon Maniacs…. have become my family!  I’ve lost count of how many times those among this family have helped me earn my way into a race, allowed me to hitch a ride to/from/between races, and graced me with some floor space when stealth camping isn’t the best option.  

But it’s not just the tangible things.  Over the past four years, I’ve had to cut ties with almost everyone from my old life.  I’ve grown tired of comments such as “get over it”, “stop playing the victim” or “it’s only a problem because you are so negative about it”.  My brain is changed, I’m not the same as I once was.  It doesn’t work the way it used to.  It never will.  The old me is dead and gone.  My old ‘friends’, family and circles refused to let go of the old me and could never accept that I am different now.  So I let go of them, and embraced this new circle.  Meanwhile this new family has embraced the new, true me.  On my toughest days, a hug from a fellow maniac, words of encouragement and of course planning for our next marathon… these are the things that helped me keep my head up, and trudge forward on a very, very challenging path. 

Yes, by societal standards I am a failure right now.  I’m unemployable, my credit is a disaster, my health is even worse (far worse than I usually let on).  By some standards I have nothing.  But by the important ones, I have everything!  I’d decided a long time ago: I will *always* be happy.  That is a choice I will continue to make, no matter what.  And I’ve decided that being ‘different’ than the self I once thought I knew… it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  This new me is 1000 times better.  And this new life has only just begun.

So thank you all, my maniac and fanatic family.  Thank you all for helping me to make this adventure so incredibly epic.  3000+ miles over each of the last few years!  Over 52 halves last year and similar fulls this year!  Together, we’ve covered so many miles (and races) in so many places.  From the beautiful scenery of the Vacation Races halves, to the epic history of Boston and the other majors.  From the powerful silence at the start of the OKC memorial, to the rowdy post race parties at A1A, Shamrock and others.  From the cobblestone roads of Rome, to the characters at Disney.   From big city noise, to small town charm….  This is a truly beautiful world.   And we’ve still got so many places left to run!

When I pace, I often tell my group: “If you want inspiration, ask the last person that finishes today why they did it”.  There are tens of thousands in this family of ours.  Every one of us has a story to tell.  For so many of us, running has been the key to our physical and mental health.  For so many of us, this community has been the same.  I’m honored to have you all in my life, humbled to have a part in yours, and excited to share many more really epic miles with this ever expanding family.

Distance running is as much a mental sport as it is physical.  We’ve got our running shoes, we’ve got some races to run, and we’ve got each other.  That’s all we could ever really need!

Kenneth R. Bereski II     MM #15114

If you would like to read more by Ken, follow his blog at http://konfedence.com/blog/. Thank you for sharing your story Ken,and for being such a wonderful and powerfully raw member of this community.